Spider Apocalypse...2011

At times, I have been accused of being over-dramatic. Hold on, I'll wait while you wipe your shocked faces off....

...okay. I am only pointing this out so that you know that this is absolutely NOT one of those times. Probably.

As I was leisurely (or rapidly, whatever works best for your imagination) getting dressed today after my afternoon shower, I saw a swift black piece of fuzz fly over my carpet, right next to my foot. It was headed right towards this:

She looked just like this but under the bed, not on the couch. Lazy bitch. (bitch as in female dog, obviously)

That's right. The ominous black fuzz was head straight for my Sophie. At that point, I conducted a more complete evaluation and determined it was decidedly NOT a piece of black fuzz but instead a big ass spider. Of course, Sophie woke up from her slumber just at that moment and made her move (which of course was intended to be the eating of said spider). Being the amazing dog-mother that I am, I would not allow this to happen. Nobody wants a brown recluse spider bite on their esophagus, nobody.

I quickly ran to the closet and got one of my running shoes (but obviously not the new expensive ones, I spared a few extra seconds to dig for the old ones). I came back to that monster and smacked it hard! It died on impact. Or so I thought...

I then left the dead spider under my shoe while I finished getting dressed so I could have time to decide whether I would wait for Mark to get home from work (at 1 a.m.) to pick it up or if I would just suck it up and flush the bastard myself. No more than 5-10 minutes could have gone by when I finally decided I was going to get rid of the body myself. Except, when I removed the giant shoe holding down his corpse....he was gone! Leaving behind two sickly spider legs.

Now I have a few theories.

1. Obviously this was a vampire spider. I don't know much about vampires, or spiders for that matter, but I know enough to know that they are quite clearly related. This vampire spider simply dissolved upon his untimely death. Or maybe he sparkled, but I don't read that crap.
2. We are facing a Spider Apocalypse and this was just the first arrival, sent to scope us out. I hope you are reading Spider Apocalypse the same way I am saying it in my head, which is in a booming movie theater/rock star voice Ssssspy-der Apocalypse....(wait for it) 2011.
3. This may have been the Jesus spider. (I know I will probably offend someone by that but I promise I mean no offense whatsoever, just drawing parallels.)
4. It is also possible that my dogs swiftly ran to the shoe, lifted it up and ate the spider and then carefully replaced the shoe so I wouldn't notice. They have accomplished craftier feats.
5. Mark has suggested I didn't look at the bottom of the shoe when I picked it up. This is obviously the most crackpot theory of them all.

This is the picture that Mark sent me after hearing my tale today:



"Is this what the spider looks like"

 YES EXACTLY. How did he know??